“He’s such a freak; he can’t stick around for 6 months”

By Clive Mutame Siachiyako

An American at a European university I did my MSc had a pool of girlfriends. He exchanged classmates and others around the students’ town like no one’s business. If things ended with one lady, within a month he will be another one. Some ladies he kept them in the background to avoid drama. They came to the fore the moment he dropped the main one.

Everybody took him for a pervert. He was on most ladies’ lips for the good and bad. It’s easy to condemn, but a close look into his childhood spoke volumes of some habitus showing up in his adulthood. Parents always fought, yelled at each other, no ‘home sweet home’ atmosphere, divorce followed and the father married several times. Doxas [ways of living] in his home constructed a man he became to be in adulthood. Someone would say "hello he has a choice!" Yeah he does but follow me!

Homes are havens of character formation. The moment a child is conceived, grooming starts. The nurturing continues the moment a baby steps out of the mother’s womb. The pure mind the child has at conception gets reshaped by people around it both while in the womb and in the home.

Whereas children learn from peers and other adults, much of the learning happens at home. Such learning has a lot of bearing on who they become as it starts at very tender age and get naturalized into them. It’s not only learning about table manners, hard work, how to cook, etc., it’s the whole range of things that matter in life. A bad home environment entails the same learning. In a home where adults are behaving in all sorts of manner impart such doings on children. Children will see, hear and synchronize in their tiny brains and embed those things in their lives.

Using words of life coach, writer and psychometrician Dr. Langham, “emotional, sexual and physical abuse, along with negligence, can scar a child.” Memories of homely happenings tend to recur in their lives for ages in most cases forever. Such effects come in different forms and impact different relationships. It could be work, business or love relationships. Some would have no care the kind of words and actions they take and their potential impact on those around them. They get affixed in doing what they learnt doing from life. They care less...they simply do what they have been ‘taught’ in their childhood.

In a home where others are treated as worthless, stupid, incompetent, mischievous, unwanted and unloved; children raised in that home embed such habitus as they grow up. They are cultured to believe those descriptions are true. It becomes hard for them to place real value in their relationships. Even when a very loving, caring and adorable person comes in their adult life, they may not appreciate them long enough. They would either unleash their past on them or simply ruin it all. Their ability to keep relationships long is fragile. It’s not their fought, it’s the pill life gave them at childhood.

Among the effects of bad childhood is fear of abandonment, neediness, aggressive expressions [words and written on different arenas] and inability to trust.  People react to these effects differently as explained below. There’s no universal help to someone in such a case too. Unfortunately, bad homey experiences often replica themselves in marriages and other lifeworlds of those from such backgrounds if no due care is taken to help them on time.

Adults who were abused, abandoned or neglected in their childhood tend to develop irrational [or real] fears of rejection. Their traumatic habituéd experiences follow them in life affecting almost every aspect of their lives. Their romantic relationships, friendships, family dynamics, work relationships, self-esteem, academic and career success, etc., are risked. In some adults, their childhood experience characterises into attention deficit hyperactivity disorders. It also culminates in hard time trusting others and accepting them in their lives on a permanent basis. In many times, someone with a bad childhood finds it problematic to commit to one person either for fear that someone they love most would eventually leave or the person may get frustrated and fail to keep up with them.

The other common effect of “bad” childhood on adult romantic relationships is neediness and low self-esteem.  Adults who never felt loved by anyone may look for the “missing love” by verily attaching themselves to a romantic partner. Sadly, it’s not easy to notice these traits, and worse those close to us may not tell us the truth in fear of hurting us.

Violence and aggressive behaviour is the other effect.  A child advocate Parkinson in an article shared parenting: the new frontier notes that a child who participates in or witnesses domestic violence on a regular basis, can grow up to be [both] violent and aggressive in their own romantic relationships. The violence or aggressiveness can be in words, actions or body expressions. This is truer if the person didn’t get counselling on their traumatic experiences. Such actions result into dysfunctional adult relationships.

The sad part of it is that mostly people in such situations don’t see it that way. They may feel they are being nonsensical and iron men/women. It’s those around them who need to speak out and help them get over it. There are cases when a girl with a background of being molested [and beaten during molestation] may appreciate such treatment in their sexual relations. Such a way of having sex becomes naturalized in them. Without sadomasochism, they will walk out of a relationship.

Trust issues dominate those of us with “bad” childhood. We have an inability to trust anyone at times even God. We ask: “where was God when I went through all that hell for me to trust Him now? Couldn’t God really have intervened when I was in such life ruining lifeworld?” We tend to ask tough and unexpected questions whose answers no one may present.

A feeling of insecurity and ‘unsafety’ in romantic and other relationships becomes part of us. We tend to question our partners and be suspicious of them even without a cause. When suspicion becomes constant, it may drive the loved one away. Someone in such a situation may not realise their behaviour is unhealthy and damaging to my relationship, until the other person speaks it out...reasons it with them so that they see things differently. Amazing relationships have been ruined and shed off due to bad childhood upbringing we carry along in adulthood. 

No doctor cures her/himself. Even the best physician needs help from someone. Strongest people around too need help. We all need someone to help us see things beyond what we may regard the normative. Our friends, family, workmates, classmates or love partners need to be courageous and tell us what they think is ruining things in our lives. Often such people are rare to come by. They would rather pretend and keep smiling at you. True friends speak the truth even when it pains. They don’t hold it, they want the best from us and they want to build us. They want to be proud of what they have contributed in our wellbeing.

We can do something for those around us who seem affected by their past. Give them an ear, make them seek help and become real models of conquerors of their past. Help them find something to offer them life changing aid they need. Be part of the winners, help someone!!