Thursday, October 29, 2015

“He’s such a freak; he can’t stick around for 6 months”

By Clive Mutame Siachiyako
An American at a European university I did my MSc had a pool of girlfriends. He exchanged classmates and others around the students’ town like no one’s business. If things ended with one lady, within a month he will be another one. Some ladies he kept them in the background to avoid drama. They came to the fore the moment he dropped the main one.

Everybody took him for a pervert. He was on most ladies’ lips for the good and bad. It’s easy to condemn, but a close look into his childhood spoke volumes of some habitus showing up in his adulthood. Parents always fought, yelled at each other, no ‘home sweet home’ atmosphere, divorce followed and the father married several times. Doxas [ways of living] in his home constructed a man he became to be in adulthood. Someone would say "hello he has a choice!" Yeah he does but follow me!

Homes are havens of character formation. The moment a child is conceived, grooming starts. The nurturing continues the moment a baby steps out of the mother’s womb. The pure mind the child has at conception gets reshaped by people around it both while in the womb and in the home.

Whereas children learn from peers and other adults, much of the learning happens at home. Such learning has a lot of bearing on who they become as it starts at very tender age and get naturalized into them. It’s not only learning about table manners, hard work, how to cook, etc., it’s the whole range of things that matter in life. A bad home environment entails the same learning. In a home where adults are behaving in all sorts of manner impart such doings on children. Children will see, hear and synchronize in their tiny brains and embed those things in their lives.

Using words of life coach, writer and psychometrician Dr. Langham, “emotional, sexual and physical abuse, along with negligence, can scar a child.” Memories of homely happenings tend to recur in their lives for ages in most cases forever. Such effects come in different forms and impact different relationships. It could be work, business or love relationships. Some would have no care the kind of words and actions they take and their potential impact on those around them. They get affixed in doing what they learnt doing from life. They care less...they simply do what they have been ‘taught’ in their childhood.

In a home where others are treated as worthless, stupid, incompetent, mischievous, unwanted and unloved; children raised in that home embed such habitus as they grow up. They are cultured to believe those descriptions are true. It becomes hard for them to place real value in their relationships. Even when a very loving, caring and adorable person comes in their adult life, they may not appreciate them long enough. They would either unleash their past on them or simply ruin it all. Their ability to keep relationships long is fragile. It’s not their fought, it’s the pill life gave them at childhood.

Among the effects of bad childhood is fear of abandonment, neediness, aggressive expressions [words and written on different arenas] and inability to trust.  People react to these effects differently as explained below. There’s no universal help to someone in such a case too. Unfortunately, bad homey experiences often replica themselves in marriages and other lifeworlds of those from such backgrounds if no due care is taken to help them on time.

Adults who were abused, abandoned or neglected in their childhood tend to develop irrational [or real] fears of rejection. Their traumatic habituéd experiences follow them in life affecting almost every aspect of their lives. Their romantic relationships, friendships, family dynamics, work relationships, self-esteem, academic and career success, etc., are risked. In some adults, their childhood experience characterises into attention deficit hyperactivity disorders. It also culminates in hard time trusting others and accepting them in their lives on a permanent basis. In many times, someone with a bad childhood finds it problematic to commit to one person either for fear that someone they love most would eventually leave or the person may get frustrated and fail to keep up with them.

The other common effect of “bad” childhood on adult romantic relationships is neediness and low self-esteem.  Adults who never felt loved by anyone may look for the “missing love” by verily attaching themselves to a romantic partner. Sadly, it’s not easy to notice these traits, and worse those close to us may not tell us the truth in fear of hurting us.

Violence and aggressive behaviour is the other effect.  A child advocate Parkinson in an article shared parenting: the new frontier notes that a child who participates in or witnesses domestic violence on a regular basis, can grow up to be [both] violent and aggressive in their own romantic relationships. The violence or aggressiveness can be in words, actions or body expressions. This is truer if the person didn’t get counselling on their traumatic experiences. Such actions result into dysfunctional adult relationships.

The sad part of it is that mostly people in such situations don’t see it that way. They may feel they are being nonsensical and iron men/women. It’s those around them who need to speak out and help them get over it. There are cases when a girl with a background of being molested [and beaten during molestation] may appreciate such treatment in their sexual relations. Such a way of having sex becomes naturalized in them. Without sadomasochism, they will walk out of a relationship.

Trust issues dominate those of us with “bad” childhood. We have an inability to trust anyone at times even God. We ask: “where was God when I went through all that hell for me to trust Him now? Couldn’t God really have intervened when I was in such life ruining lifeworld?” We tend to ask tough and unexpected questions whose answers no one may present.

A feeling of insecurity and ‘unsafety’ in romantic and other relationships becomes part of us. We tend to question our partners and be suspicious of them even without a cause. When suspicion becomes constant, it may drive the loved one away. Someone in such a situation may not realise their behaviour is unhealthy and damaging to my relationship, until the other person speaks it out...reasons it with them so that they see things differently. Amazing relationships have been ruined and shed off due to bad childhood upbringing we carry along in adulthood. 

No doctor cures her/himself. Even the best physician needs help from someone. Strongest people around too need help. We all need someone to help us see things beyond what we may regard the normative. Our friends, family, workmates, classmates or love partners need to be courageous and tell us what they think is ruining things in our lives. Often such people are rare to come by. They would rather pretend and keep smiling at you. True friends speak the truth even when it pains. They don’t hold it, they want the best from us and they want to build us. They want to be proud of what they have contributed in our wellbeing.

We can do something for those around us who seem affected by their past. Give them an ear, make them seek help and become real models of conquerors of their past. Help them find something to offer them life changing aid they need. Be part of the winners, help someone!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Is media propaganda always bad?

By Clive Mutame Siachiyako
The media is one of the most important war fields. Distorting the truth to paint the other bad is the first war canon to unsettle the enemy camp. Winston Churchill who was the British Prime Minister during World War II noted that "in wartime, truth is so precious that it should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies." Every smart soldier knows that propaganda is an arsenal of mass destruction in war.

The western media has used it very well in painting Africa as a miserable place in different versions. Their children have scant knowledge about Africa and those who do know something bad or laughable about the continent. No matter how intellectually capable Africans can be, there’s less media coverage to make their intellectual capital be part of the world knowledge bank. Brain banks seem to be white dominated.

The media is the courier of an assortment of propaganda penetrating different spheres of life from generation to generation. When you talk about the print media, it has placed western intellectuals on the ladder of knowledge banks by supporting their contributions in their specialities and varied concepts they have come with to suit into the symbolic capital world are all over intellectual literature. Very few African intellectuals’ input feature into those knowledge banks, unless in cases where there’s co-authorship. We have heard about Marxists, Foucauldians, Keynesian, etc,. why not the Ndawanas, Mutales, Muchangwes, Lous, etc?

This trend seems to fit well in the words of the U.S. Senator Hiram Johnson in 1917 who said “probably every war is fought on at least two grounds: the battlefield and the minds of the people via propaganda. The ‘good guys’ and the ‘bad guys’ can often both be guilty of misleading their people with distortions, exaggerations, subjectivity, inaccuracy and even fabrications, in order to receive support and a sense of legitimacy.” We have fallen trap to this propaganda in so many ways especially in our school system where most of what we learn comes from abroad. Now we are told gay ‘rights’ are part of UN goals mmmm. Does it mean Africa can’t develop without recognition of such rights?

Is there a way to redeem ourselves? I think there is...Nigerians are doing it in many ways. Most writers who have broken records are Nigerians. Nigerian musicians, comedians, etc., are shaking the waves....this is not withstanding quality and calibre of most intellectuals and talents. My belief is that we have to learn to dare things, research, write and let those who wish to know the truth read. With the coming of the internet, we are no longer limited by the traditional media. If it means starting a blog, start one...throw your ideas there and spread them using any channels you can lay your hands on. If you are on Twitter do it, if you are on Facebook, Instagram, etc., do it. Don’t wait for a printing company to print out your thoughts and put them across for others to see.

We can utilise technology to tell the other story about ourselves. There’s too much to tell about the beauties of the country and the continent. Those who can spread it, make videos and post of YouTube, if you can sing it, compose a song and find a platform for it to speak your mind, if you can do poetry, do the same. Let the world know the truth. The battle lines have been set, we have to join the war and unsettle deception.

Locally, we have our own wars such as tribal divides. There’s serious propaganda bent on scandalising others, making them look myopic, irrational and queer. There's no honest, sincerity and dignity in presenting the things across...there aim is to malign. Malice can’t beat good and sincere communication. Where others talk cheap and malign others, bring out the truth, moral reasoning, provable and authentic facts in any way possible to help build a country that cherishes honest and dignified life-world.

The mental warfare is the best weapon to dismember others. It tortures them and creates dominion by engineers of propaganda. Countering the propaganda with virtuous communicative practices can help in putting things into real perspective. While others seek to reuse old methods, let’s stand out and show them we are different. Let’s use intellectual, artistic, poetic and other competencies we have to win the war advanced towards using what's within our means.

Defeating the mental field is the best way to win the war. The mind is the premium of life. Everything we do starts in the mind, but when the mind is disillusioned, it means things are in total asunder. Mental clinical care becomes a requirement. Otherwise people will end up killing each other in the name of belittling others. There’s no better way of winning the war than reason, soberness and factuality.

We can use propaganda for analysing who is talking, why they are talking that way, what can we do, how do we do it and when do we do it. We can do JFF [joint fact finding] strategies...if it means to in order to create a pool of knowledge to put deception where it belongs....the losers’ den.


The media and its practitioners are drivers of most propaganda arenas. Reverting to the normative and creating new mindsets starts with such personnel. We can get counted and do our part to make the world a place of truthfulness, respect, honest, dignity and mutuality instead of planting chaos.

Marriage dynamics....when commodification distorts the purpose

By Clive Mutame Siachiyako

The concept of marriage has revolved a lot over time. In the 1700s, marriage was an expression of love. It was about cleaving to the life partner...soulmate. It was called “life partner” to signify how much value was attached to the union. It meant storming the weather together, falling and rising together, walking, running, mourning and rejoicing together when it meant to. It was bonding as one soul until death sets you asunder.

Love was an explanation...the reason why people married. The least mattered less; one could choose to live under a tree as long as it was well with their soul. Someone could be poor or rich, educated or uneducated, short or tall....if love was the reason; they cleaved tighter and tighter as time clocked.

But prior to the 1700s, marriage was based on capital. It was based on how much a man was worth or the kind of family they came from. Families looked for wealth in their new family connections. If you were poor you would stay 'forever' single until you proved yourself ‘useful.’ Even then, you needed strong social capital to fit into certain families. You simply needed very strong networks that the other family appreciates. Most families didn’t want to associate with families with weak connections.

In cases where they couldn’t find a matching partner for their daughter or son within their network, marrying within relations was permissible. One could marry their cousin or someone much closer [this still happens today]. The idea is to keep ties and never allow others jump into their networks without bringing something substantive to their associations.

Loving the right person then was based on how much they were worth. This could be traced to biblical times where we find Jacob working for 14 years for Laban’s daughters and accumulated wealth to enable him be counted among the networks for the Labanite family. The trend continued for ages in different versions where families ask for particular capitals [economic, social or cultural] in those presenting themselves to marry their daughters. Less emphasis has been put on women and the capital they possess.

Currently, people seem to mix the old school of thinking about marriage...mixing love and capital. A mix bag of love and money are becoming the reasons for marriage...love and how much the man is bringing on the table. A man today is assessed based on 2Ws and H....what does he do? Where does he do it from [place of work/business] and how much is he worth? Failing to score well in these three categories can be bad for a man...he can lose the woman. Parents may refuse to give in marriage.

There are good arguments given for expecting more from a man than the woman. The man is the head of the house!! He has to prove himself that he’s worth marrying the woman. Testifying love alone is not reason enough. Men have to know that, the rules of the game demand value from you when you are presenting yourself to marry.

Is there a problem with demanding economic capital from the man? No and yes. He has to provide, so its good. But there’s a problem too. God Himself based marriage on love...leave parents and cleave. And there’s an addition in the bible that he who finds a wife has found good thing and favour in God’s hand. Money doesn’t seem to be the centre. Even when a man needs a livelihood to support the family, family names, background, networks and social class shouldn’t be the basis to exclude them from marrying the woman of their desire. The road to success is not the same for all; some will take longer but get there. If the family of the woman has the means, why not support them man? Groom him!

Commodification of women in marriage is creating tensions from the men’s camp. Some men feel they ‘bought’ their partner. In the USA, some men kill when divorce is mentioned in their marriage for fear of losing assets to the woman after divorce. In Zambia, I have heard stories of men using words ‘I paid a lot money for you, you can’t even do ABCD.’ Does it mean since you paid more, then she should be an automated machine to do all things? Not of course. But when you pay too much, it's normal to expect upper class quality.

Dowry is becoming so hindering today. Parents are charging handsomely high for their daughters. Men better be ready the moment you exercise your love desires on someone’s daughter. It’s not cheap to marry any more. I find commodification of marriage problematic for reasons I have explained above and below. I see it from a different perspective from yours maybe.

Marriage based on love create a human-to-human relation; something known as subject-to-subject. The two are bonded by a common factor...LOVE. But when love is altered by something else, the foundation is shaken, it has cracked. Such cracks on the foundation may have long term effects on the marriage. Very few marriages stand the storms when the foundation is unstable, it may take miracles to save them.

When man [for example] starts to see the woman as a commodity he paid so much for, it distorts his heartfelt connection. Someone would say it means you didn’t love her....maybe even her didn’t love him. With girls cultured, taught and nurtured to look for family conjured capitals in potential partners; who knows? Maybe love isn't the foundation of the lady saying YES to him. Money becomes the commonality....on the part of the man... the money he spent for dowry...the women the money the man has and goodies money comes with. The end is disaster. Money without love is meaningless.

Love derived marriage is based on totally different principles from economic driven love. Love based marriage is based on building the other, nurturing together and cleaving. Due to desirability of money in marriages, some women leave men because they have become ‘broke charlie.’ This tells us that when values and principles of marriage are replaced by something else, it means the whole purpose changes.


Marrying off women as if they are commodities comes with grave problems. Yes parents [or whoever gets the dowry] will enjoy...have enough money to buy this and that...but what kind of marriages are we building? What future are we shaping? Sometimes men may be blamed for acting silly in marriage and start reminding women how much they paid...but there is a root cause to this. We have distorted something important in marriage. Maybe going back to the basics would mean a lot.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Self introspection –a tool for repositioning yourself

By Clive Mutame Siachiyako
But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” Withdrawing from others to re-look at things is pertinent in life. In as much as corporate sharing is beneficial, taking a break and do a deep reflection about life give birth to self renewal.

 There are times when life throws us off balance. The right frame of mind is distorted. There is too much emotionally charged decisions and action. Such decisions and actions often lead to regrets. It is thus pertinent to stand aside and do a self-assessment to develop a new view of life.

There are so many things that can make us take a self introspection. It could be failure in business, at school, poor work performance, marital or relationship fights or financial mismanagement. Whatever the cause, there’s a time we need to step back and re-examine ourselves...asking ourselves honest, sincere and helpful questions.

What are the exact reasons for self-introspection? Firstly, it’s key for self awareness. Who I am? What do I stand for in life? Why do I do what I do? What can I do to become better in managing money or improve my relationship or school or work performance? It places you where you try to identify your weaknesses and seek ways out of them. Undertaking such a task may require soberness and time for self.

Understanding the self can’t be done under the influence of any substance. It has to be done with a sober mind and sincerity about yourself. Don’t let your short comings drain you; convert them into positives useful in improving things in your life. Change starts with the self...there’s no better change agent than yourself. Shake yourself up and be who you want to be in life.

Secondly, self-introspection can build your self confidence. You are able to identify your drawbacks and strength. If you badly spend money on non-essential things; you can turn that into investing it into things that matter most. My friend Prudence once challenged me “you have a laptop you have used for less than two years and you want to buy a Macbook for about a thousand dollars....are you sure there’s nothing more important you can use that money for and buy one when it really matters?” I tried to defend my idea of buying it, but when I was alone; I saw a lot of sense in what she said. I invested my money into something viable compared to the Macbook. There's nothing wrong with spoiling yourself, but not too early...if there’s something more relevant than that item; defer self spoiling.

Self-introspection helps you focus on the big picture. It enables you evaluate things of prestige and things that matter. You are able to seek yourself in terms of what matters most now and what can be sacrificed. It can be buying a new mobile phone versus paying examination fees. I have seen students who buy a very expensive cellular phone a week before the deadline for examination fees and later fail to sit for their examination because they blew the fees. Some booze school fees simply because the gig of the week was too great to miss. In such moments, you need a self-assessment...a gig versus school fees...and more gigs to come after school and more financially stable? Life decisions require apt thinking.

Thirdly, self-introspection sets you free from worrying about things that are out of your control. Sometimes we stress over things that are beyond us. Separating what is within our means and what is beyond us is essential in identifying our network members to help us get things moving. It could be a friend, your workmate or the beyond humanity it could be God. When you know who to get help from, it becomes lighter and thus you can invest your energy in things that are within your means. It saves you the headaches.

When you know what’s within your control, it clears off some fears. The fear of the unknown disillusions reasoning. It limits our ability to face challenges head on and come out successful. With fear put on the minimal level, we can do our best in getting things straight. Knowing our fears is health in life, it gives us advantages in identifying reasons for the fear, and use them to motivate us to aim high to avert the dreadful outcome. Whether the source of our fear is rejection, failure or entirely something else, introspection allows you to admit your fears to yourself and eventually learn the best way to handle them.

Self-introspection further allows us make conscience decisions. We won’t use emotions or disillusionment in deciding what to do; we would instead think through things before stepping into action. Without self-introspection, chances of us blundering are sometimes higher. Introspection helps you make decisions based on fully understanding what is right or wrong for you...making choices based on what you truly believe, without letting others’ input sway you. While it’s okay to ask for others’ advice and feedback, ultimately, trust your gut — it won’t fail you.

Thus, value stepping out and doing a self assessment. Use that moment to redefine your goals, your values, your principles and anything that requires immediate change. With tough and sincere friends you are helped in realising life changing principles. At times there’s a risk of over cloud our mind to an extent that making right decisions becomes blurred. We become psychopaths.

 Going through life the same way inevitably block the chance of changing things for the better. When we become more self-aware, we are capable of having a better understanding of what we truly want in life. Naturally, this involves making changes. Such changes sometimes result from deep introspection.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

The career journey....ups and downs!!

By Clive Mutame Siachiyako
Watch out for a couple of career related articles before I look at other issues. I will mostly I will focus on helping young people see things from another perspective possibly and re-engineering energy in right places.

A friend once asked children at church: “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Very interesting answers flew over going in different career directions. One of interest came from a boy who said “I want to be a bus conductor.” That caught my friend’s attention. He probed they boy further on why such a dream. The innocent boy said “conductors have money.”

This is a case of: money versus career choice! We all love money. We went to school, work hard in life, sleep late, and do our best in whatever we do to earn money and more money. Money rules the world. It is a deterministic premium exchange of value.

Money will be spoken about in days to come based on courses related to this driver of life. For now the focus is on career choices and pertinent aspects to consider when deciding on a career.

Careers are not built in a day. They can be launched, nurtured and pursued to fruition over a stretch of time. Knowing an appropriate career is a challenge for many people. This is coupled with the difficult of identifying your unique qualities and abilities. The process of identifying those virtues can be frustrating, as the journey of self-discovery is rarely easy.

However, knowing the careers available, the apt attributes and relevant subjects for entering a given career and opportunities that lay ahead is very valuable. Such information is power young people need in making careers.

I will begin by getting into the bible using the parable of talent found in Mathew 25:15. The parable sheds that "...each servant was given a talent according to their ABILITY.” Each one of us truly is given abilities to use and earn a living. We can’t be trusted with what we can’t handle, it will be too risky. It can ruin our lives. We can fail to put it to good use. Exemplified from the parable is a servant who threw the talent into the abyss and minded his business. It shows that talents given to ‘wrong’ people simply can’t handle them. They don’t see the value and don’t care what happens with that talent.

A talent is very pertinent in career choice. I am talking about inborn abilities (intellectual and psychomotor). This is about our abilities to use our brains and other body parts to work for others or ourselves. I am talking about intellect, artistic skills, etc. Those who can deal with abstracts, use legs [kick the soccer], hands or voice; let them apply themselves meticulously for the good of their wellbeing. No one then should claim there is nothing for them on earth. It is either they don’t know their talent or they have sat of them and killed them.

God is fair, He never send anyone to earth without anything to use to sustain themselves on earth. We got talents in one way of the other. Our talents represent our persona, our SHAPE (spiritual gifts, heart/intellectual, abilities, personality and experiences).

Why talents in career choice?
Talents are our means to create a livelihood...to earn income, to work and create something to live on. They are also useful in blessing others. We can use our talent to create wealth and bless others with a means of living by hiring their talent to add value to our talents’ creations. If I use my talent to sing, I may need a talent of a producer to package my singing talent into something marketable and sellable for mean to earn income. Talent is further paramount in career progression. Careers are based on our abilities...abilities to deal with abstractive things [mathematical], craft motivational words to shape others’ dormancy or use physical abilities to earn a living such as in sports.

I am zeroing it down to choosing a career at this moment. Talking to school going children or those deciding on careers is very interesting. You get all sorts of dreams about careers. “I want to be a doctor, I want to be a banker, I want to be an engineer, I want to be an accountant, etc.” are common career directions you get. Very good dreams, very desirable career goals...! Unfortunately, most children I have spoken to during career expos don’t tally their career dreams with their abilities, they are often driven by what their parents want them do, what their parents have done or they don’t know why they want such a career.

I always argue: your parents are not you. You have your abilities which are contrary from those of your parents. In as much as you share DNA elements with them, there’s no guarantee that you will have similar abilities. Your father being a doctor doesn’t mean you will also handle medical ups and downs. It goes beyond wishes to practicality. I am talking about handling subjects required to get into medical school, the ability to handle patients, the virtues required of a medical personnel, etc. I will get to this later.

What matters most in career choice?
Your talent is one of them. A career shapes what you will do for the most of your life. Either working for someone or doing your own things. As a business person, you need some business acumen to soar over business blizzards. It takes some anew attributes in this modern era to sustain your business. Knowing what you are good at; puts you up the ladder. It gives you comparative advantages over others. A Zambian idiom says: “what you have is what you use to hit a dog.” If you don’t know anything, you will fall for anything.

Your passion is another important element in career choice. Your passion drives you. Even when things get wild, your passion will push you. You will hold on and get pushing until the ice breaks and bingo your destiny is at bay!! Without passion, you will quit pretty fast. You will throw a towel and mourn for the time and energy wasted. You may not push any little further to get over a predicament on your way. A friend has studied so many courses in search of a career destiny. He started with IT, went into marketing and human resources, later law. I am yet to know if he will settle on this one. His had no passion to weather the storms in the fields he entered into. He quit and started all over again.

The third aspect is your ability. The abilities I am talking about here are related to subjects and some virtues relevant to that particular career. What are you capable of doing? Can you handle money? Can you be trusted with patients’ confidential information? Can you kick the ball? It’s key to be mindful about multiple abilities here. If you have varied abilities such using legs and hands to kick the ball and do architectural works; why not marry them? It would be great designing a house plan in the evening after soccer training. Extra income is a great undertaking in life. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

Some abilities could be about subjects you are good at in class. It could be linguistics, mathematics or science. If you know what you are good at in class, see careers related to those subjects. I will talk about subjects’ combinations and careers in next articles. If you don’t know what you are good at in class, ask your teachers, friends or parents.

Who can help us in career choices?
People around us are a great resource in career choice and development. Those around us are able to see things we can’t see in ourselves. Your teachers are a great resource here. Talk to your teachers; ask them to tell you how they feel about your abilities in your subjects in relation to career goals. Your parents are the other resource. Parents know some habitus about us way from childhood. They can give you a good assessment of your abilities. Your friends too are useful here. Talk to them, use them, don’t just gossip and chase girls with them. Use them for real things that matter in life. Ask God. Pray and seeking spiritual guidance. God is the source of our abilities; He is the Alpha and Omega. Talk to your God in honest and sincerity. All the BEST!! 


Friday, October 16, 2015

A strong willed lady

A ring on her finger....yah it fits her so well.
God has His peculiar way of doing things. Sometimes we literally don't understand why it had to happen. His providence beats human logic. I can attest to God’s everlasting care through humans. Humans who don’t only give you company, but change your life to something coruscative...an awesome recreation.

There are people who are so strong willed. One lady [call her aunty Chitumbo] is a true definition of such will. She seemed to have serious pressings than ‘lack of bread or too much workload.’ She juggled between work, school and family and perfectly managed things with a deterministic virtue, goal getter attributes and appreciation of every moment that made her make it every day.

She never accepts self pity in her life. Even if you offer her a dollar bill she will refuse despite her needing it badly. Her principle, "work for things, never ask from guys." Her boyfriend never knew how to be asked for money for lipstick [don’t kill me for this]. If it means walking to work or plaiting someone's hair to get money for her daily needs as a woman, she did it. Her principle is “never depend on a man, learn to do it yourself.” Truly she lived by her principle. She could embarrass you if you wanted to pay her bill thinking she will throw away her principle. You will be very wrong. 

She combined trust in God, hard work and deterministic virtues in setting goals and pursuing them. If you thought younger age is an excuse, you were very wrong when it comes to her. She's a proverbial lady who aims higher no matter how much bombardments come her way, she keeps the fire burning with a 'genre' of daring the waters.  

I used to have low esteem; I used to think am not good enough for some things. But she could tell me "you are too negative sometimes, this is not good." The seriousness in her voice combined with intolerance for negativity and care made me rise-up above pitifulness. She helped me position myself where I can walk with my head high among giants in life. She often said “in the end it's not the years in your life that count, it is the life in your years.” That drove her do things considered beyond her age. Quite daring!

I learned a number of lessons from her. Firstly, “never cry over your background.” Sometimes we curse, complain and stress over our family or personal history that limits us...blaming it on our parents. That makes us lose focus. She once recorded a message for me “your background matters less; you are a great guy, a strong shoulder anybody could ask for...even if you were in a wheelchair, your personality can make someone to want to be with you” [made me shed tears]. The words sunk in my head, DNA and born marrow. I was renewed. I was interpellated. I re-identified myself. I shock off thinking small about the Goliath in me.

I also learned to use money meticulously. Money has no best accountant. We all misuse it here and there over unnecessary things. She could ask me: “do you really need that? I thought you have that thing which you can use....you can use the money for 1, 2, 3...which are more important.” Her prudence left me spellbound –fascinated. I used to spend anyhow at times, but she taught me the art of managing money and intelligent spending. Thank God I knew her. Angels really don’t come in celestial nature always.

Sincerely is in her DNA. Even when she knew it may not go well with you, she will say it. Her belief is: “the truth hurts, but saves.” One day she just came and said “I gave your number to some lady maybe you may love her.” She wanted me to try out things. Get involved and never see life from the spectator’s seat always. She didn’t want me to drain her with seeking attention; she wanted to wean me off. It happened shortly, she just wrote: “I feel you fall away” accompanied with some foot print emojis. It only sunk in my head later when she extended her hand with a ring on it....someone asked her out and it started with a ring. The man is simply a love genius. I felt dumb and ecstatic about it. It meant drifting away from such a mentor, mother, friend, model and pillar in life. My life became lonely, I felt her irreplaceability. 

Fourth, I learnt carrying a cheerful face even when things are really bad. She often said: “a walk, a leaf of a flower or anything tiny; add flavour to happiness” and if you have chance to do such gestures do it. For sure, small tidings do the magic. There were times I was tensed up and she would drop a ‘God send message’ characterised with caring undertones...words that cheered and renewed my hope to face things. She could be bombarded with home issues, school pressures, work hurdles, boyfriend fights....but she still smiled as though she has never known sadness.


In short, she touched me in so many ways. Wherever you are: you touched my life more than material things can do. You did what Napoleon failed to do; you recreated me for better forever. ONLY God can fully repay you. I’m too feeble to do it myself. YOU ARE SUCH A BLESSING!!