The concept of marriage has revolved a
lot over time. In the 1700s, marriage was an expression of love. It was about
cleaving to the life partner...soulmate. It was called “life partner” to
signify how much value was attached to the union. It meant storming the weather
together, falling and rising together, walking, running, mourning and rejoicing
together when it meant to. It was bonding as one soul until death sets you
asunder.
Love was an explanation...the reason
why people married. The least mattered less; one could choose to live under a
tree as long as it was well with their soul. Someone could be poor or rich,
educated or uneducated, short or tall....if love was the reason; they cleaved
tighter and tighter as time clocked.
But prior to the 1700s, marriage was
based on capital. It was based on how much a man was worth or the kind of
family they came from. Families looked for wealth in their new family
connections. If you were poor you would stay 'forever' single until you proved
yourself ‘useful.’ Even then, you needed strong social capital to fit into
certain families. You simply needed very strong networks that the other family
appreciates. Most families didn’t want to associate with families with weak
connections.
In cases where they couldn’t find a
matching partner for their daughter or son within their network, marrying
within relations was permissible. One could marry their cousin or someone much
closer [this still happens today]. The idea is to keep ties and never allow
others jump into their networks without bringing something substantive to their
associations.
Loving the right person then was based
on how much they were worth. This could be traced to biblical times where we
find Jacob working for 14 years for Laban’s daughters and accumulated wealth to
enable him be counted among the networks for the Labanite family. The trend
continued for ages in different versions where families ask for particular
capitals [economic, social or cultural] in those presenting themselves to marry
their daughters. Less emphasis has been put on women and the capital they
possess.
Currently, people seem to mix the old
school of thinking about marriage...mixing love and capital. A mix bag of love
and money are becoming the reasons for marriage...love and how much the man is
bringing on the table. A man today is assessed based on 2Ws and H....what does
he do? Where does he do it from [place of work/business] and how much is he
worth? Failing to score well in these three categories can be bad for a
man...he can lose the woman. Parents may refuse to give in marriage.
There are good arguments given for
expecting more from a man than the woman. The man is the head of the house!! He
has to prove himself that he’s worth marrying the woman. Testifying love alone
is not reason enough. Men have to know that, the rules of the game demand value
from you when you are presenting yourself to marry.
Is there a problem with demanding
economic capital from the man? No and yes. He has to provide, so its good. But
there’s a problem too. God Himself based marriage on love...leave parents and
cleave. And there’s an addition in the bible that he who finds a wife has found
good thing and favour in God’s hand. Money doesn’t seem to be the centre. Even
when a man needs a livelihood to support the family, family names, background,
networks and social class shouldn’t be the basis to exclude them from marrying
the woman of their desire. The road to success is not the same for all; some
will take longer but get there. If the family of the woman has the means, why
not support them man? Groom him!
Commodification of women in marriage
is creating tensions from the men’s camp. Some men feel they ‘bought’ their
partner. In the USA, some men kill when divorce is mentioned in their marriage
for fear of losing assets to the woman after divorce. In Zambia, I have heard
stories of men using words ‘I paid a lot money for you, you can’t even do
ABCD.’ Does it mean since you paid more, then she should be an automated
machine to do all things? Not of course. But when you pay too much, it's normal
to expect upper class quality.
Dowry is becoming so hindering today.
Parents are charging handsomely high for their daughters. Men better be ready
the moment you exercise your love desires on someone’s daughter. It’s not cheap
to marry any more. I find commodification of marriage problematic for reasons I
have explained above and below. I see it from a different perspective from
yours maybe.
Marriage based on love create a
human-to-human relation; something known as subject-to-subject. The two are
bonded by a common factor...LOVE. But when love is altered by something else,
the foundation is shaken, it has cracked. Such cracks on the foundation may
have long term effects on the marriage. Very few marriages stand the storms
when the foundation is unstable, it may take miracles to save them.
When man [for example] starts to see
the woman as a commodity he paid so much for, it distorts his heartfelt
connection. Someone would say it means you didn’t love her....maybe even her
didn’t love him. With girls cultured, taught and nurtured to look for family
conjured capitals in potential partners; who knows? Maybe love isn't the
foundation of the lady saying YES to him. Money becomes the commonality....on
the part of the man... the money he spent for dowry...the women the money the
man has and goodies money comes with. The end is disaster. Money without love
is meaningless.
Love derived marriage is based on
totally different principles from economic driven love. Love based marriage is
based on building the other, nurturing together and cleaving. Due to
desirability of money in marriages, some women leave men because they have
become ‘broke charlie.’ This tells us that when values and principles of
marriage are replaced by something else, it means the whole purpose changes.
Marrying off women as if they are
commodities comes with grave problems. Yes parents [or whoever gets the dowry]
will enjoy...have enough money to buy this and that...but what kind of
marriages are we building? What future are we shaping? Sometimes men may be blamed
for acting silly in marriage and start reminding women how much they paid...but
there is a root cause to this. We have distorted something important in
marriage. Maybe going back to the basics would mean a lot.
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