Nonviolent Communication (NVC), Love and Intimacy

By Clive Mutame Siachiyako

Thanks to the big brains behind the excellent summary of nonviolence communication  (NVC) and its use in love, intimacy and romantic relations. Sadly, I did not have chance to meet the German philosopher Marshall Rosenberg accredited for NVC. He died few days before I did my conflict management course. RIP.

I am motivated to write about NVC due to my fragile and bad temper in relationships. I tend to use very injurious language when I lose it. Reading about NVC gave me a lot of upskills on how to handle 'hot buttons' before they escalate into a fight. What is considered minor ‘hot buttons’ in a relations can escalate into full fledged brawl even break up if not well attended to, especially when poor communication is added to the issue. Words may seem light to the speaker, but very hurtful to the recipient. It is thus important to watch the words we use to the loved ones no matter how much we feel angered.  

In his nonviolent communication writings, Rosenberg provides rich material to save us from breaking cherished relations built over the years. NVC can be referred to as compassionate communication. It is an approach to communicating designed to help people connect more compassionately with themselves and others. Nonviolent communication can transform interactions, as it enables people to become more aware of their feelings, needs, and desires, as well as those of others, in a given situation. It can promote greater self-awareness and personal growth, to foster deeper interpersonal relationships, and to effectively settle conflicts and disputes at all levels of society. 

NVC history

It was developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s. Among the proposals of NVC is that humans are innately compassionate. The model emerged from Rosenberg’s effort to understand factors that influence this innate compassionate nature and his realisation that language is one of the most crucial. Although it is human nature to behave compassionately, many have learned how to speak and act in ways that are harmful to others e.g. we judge, withdraw, defend, and attack, etc. These actions alienate us from others and from our natural state of compassion. NVC was thus designed to help us overcome these negative tendencies so that we can connect with others on a deeper personal level.

Rosenberg also believed that all humans share certain universal needs. When these needs are satisfied, we experience pleasant emotions such as happiness and contentment; when they are not, we develop negative feelings such as anger and disappointment. Our feelings, therefore, indicate whether our needs are being met.

Rosenberg's model of nonviolent communication was influenced by the principles of humanistic psychology as well as the Gandhian principle of nonviolence. The core components of NVC are outlined by Rosenberg in his well-known book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.

The focus of nonviolent communication is to help people rethink and restructure the way in which they express themselves and listen to others. As humans, we learn to respond to certain situations in an automatic manner. When asked "How are you?" for example, the automatic response might be "I'm fine," although this might be far from the truth.

Such habitual responses are functional, in that they help conserve time and cognitive resources and allow us to react quickly in emergency situations. Nevertheless, they prevent us from being truly authentic. The end goal of NVC is to develop a mutually satisfying exchange, one in which the needs of all parties involved are met through compassionate giving.

NVC principles serve a dual purpose: i) they allow people to become more aware of what they are perceiving, feeling, and ii) wanting in a given moment while also helping them become more attuned and empathetic to the needs, emotions, and circumstances of others. As a result, people are able to replace their habitual reactions with more conscious and honest responses and interact with others in a more respectful and empathic manner.

Key components of NVC

i)                     Observations

ii)                   Feelings

iii)                  Needs

iv)                 Requests

We first observe what is happening in a given situation without any form of judgment. We then express how these observations make them feel and what needs, values, or desires are related to these feelings. Lastly, we make clear, specific requests based on what they need to enrich their lives, instead of demanding these from others e.g. a wife whose husband shouted at her at a social function might express these four components by saying, "When you shout at me in public (observation) I feel humiliated (feeling) because I value respect, especially in the presence of others (need). When we have a disagreement in public, would you be willing to wait until we can discuss the matter in private (request)?"

Since communication is a two-way lane, the process would not be complete unless both people are willing to accept the same four pieces of information from each other i.e. they must discern what others are observing, feeling, and needing, without evaluating, and they must be open to receiving their requests. The four components of nonviolent communication need not be expressed in the same order each time. The process allows for some creativity so that the verbal exchange does not become mechanical and formulaic. 

NVC Practicalities 

Some of the tools of NVC are based on avoidance of judgements, needs and feelings e.g. for someone to learn to distinguish between them and respond more accurately; reflexivity on the judgements, needs, and feelings can be an important step is avoid hot buttons’ escalation.  Accurate responses or reactions can be opted for rather than hitting back immediate to express displeasure.

Some of the exercises of NVC include practicalities in identifying unmet needs of the other person e.g. for my partner to act that way, what are her/his unmet needs? Avoiding sweeping judgements is a good step in winning a misunderstanding. Using phrases like "you always..." or "You never..." These can be replaced with more specific, concrete observations e.g. "I feel..." instead of blaming others for them by saying "you make me feel...").

We need to focus less on “I” and more on “we” and how what happened shake what we share together...our love. Avoiding suppressive language of choice e.g. "must," "should," and "have to" is premium in NVC.

NVC also requires clearly and honest expressing of feelings. Sadly, as humans, we often do not clear understanding of our complex emotions. Our ability to display empathy determines the success of NVC principles in our relationship. We have to learn to calm our nerves and think through things in a best way possible to build and strengthen our relationship. Outbursts and careless words are hurtful and ruin relationships.

References

Baran, G. (1998). Speaking giraffe language. Peace Review, 10(4), 533-538.

Ditkoff, H. (n.d.).Nonviolent communication. www.systemsthinker.com/interests/

Nosek, M. (2012). Nonviolent communication: A dialogical retrieval of the ethic of authenticity. Nursing Ethics, 19(6), 829-837.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2002). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (2nd ed.). Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2012). Living nonviolent communication: Practical tools to connect and communicate skillfully in every situation. Boulder, CO: Sounds True, Inc.

Sullivan, D. (2007). Nonviolence begins with speech: An interview with Emily Gaarder on the practice of nonviolent communication. Contemporary Justice Review, 10(1), 131-142.

http//:wwww.goodtherapy.org